Les Miserables: Heaven Crisis
by The Idiosyncratic Writer
Summary: The story of what happens to Valjean after the end of the show. Valjean's in heaven and finds out the horrible truth, his life story became a musical. And please R&R, I value your opinions. I shall sell them an be rich.
1. Valjean Awakes

Valjean awoke, brightness blinded him causing him to instinctively shield his eyes with his hand. Though he had his shields his eyes still winced around at the surroundings. Where was this place of cloud and light? The last thing he remembered was being in the room with Marius and Cossett, he remembered the last look upon her face. That look of innocence and despair, how he missed his Cossett. And he also managed to glance upon the fact that Marius had his hand on her butt at the time of his passing.  
  
Valjean: (thinking to himself) That'll be the last time I ever save someone from the barricades.  
  
He began to venture onward in this land of mysticism and wonder. His feet didn't stagger about like they were only a few short whiles ago. He had a good posture and he felt as if he was a young lad again. With his hand still shielding his eyes. He felt some sort of bars, he moved his hand to get a better look. They were long golden bars, he stood back to better his view, it was a large golden gate. He looked passed these gates and saw heavy puffs of clouds and people with wings. Could they be angels or is this but a hallucination of a dying man? Or the reality of a dead man? Then it hit him.  
  
Valjean: My God I'm dead, that really sucks.  
  
Despite the sucking factor of the whole matter Valjean decided to journey passed the gates. He pushes them open with little effort and a powerful voice then speaks.  
  
Mysterious voice: VALJEAN!  
  
Valjean: (in awe) Who is that? Is that you God?  
  
Mysterious voice: (cheerfully) Welcome to Heaven!  
  
Valjean: Huh?  
  
Mysterious voice: Welcome to Heaven!  
  
The voice repeats this message until an angel comes by. It takes out a remote of some sore and presses its button. The voice then stops.  
  
Angel: Welcome Valjean, pleas excuse what just happened right now. We're trying out a new automated device that greets newcomers as they come in by name. So far it's about as irritating as the voices on a New York City subway train.  
  
Valjean: (confused) Subway train?  
  
Angel: Oh right you're from the 1800's , sorry about all this technological stuff I'm throwing at you. You see it takes about a few centuries for a human soul to actually get up here. That tunnel with the white light is actually very, very long. The reason why must people have an out of body experience is mostly because they get bored and start running back.  
  
Valjean: So what you're saying is that now the real world is now a few centuries into the future?  
  
Angel: That'll be correct.  
  
Valjean: What sort of things are there now? Can man fly? (cliché questions)  
  
Angel: Well I'll answer that in a little bit but first let's give you the tour.  
  
Valjean: Heaven must be big if it has its own tour.  
  
Angel: Well not really but we must move this story along somehow. Come along with me.  
  
Valjean followed as the Angel led him passed the gates and further into Heaven. He looked around seeing all the angels flying freely.  
  
Valjean: (thinking to himself) I wonder if I get to have wings.  
  
Angel: No you get to be screwed and walk.  
  
Valjean: (thinking to himself) Crap.  
  
Valjean looked to his left and spots a castle on a cloud.  
  
Valjean: (thinking to himself) Guess Cossett was right about there being a castle on a cloud.  
  
They both walk into a large golden palace, there's a large fountain at the center of the room. Tile paths extend out from the fountain leading to hallways. Valjean looks around amazed by everything he sees like an immigrant at Time Square.  
  
Angel: This way Valjean.  
  
The Angel leads him up a staircase to the left of the entrance. It raises above the tiled floors and remains attached to the wall, spiraling upward. They both walk up it passing all the pictures of angels in chariots drawn on the wall. Some of the angels had swords, others had bare arms. They were all flying upward along with the staircase. They eventually made it up to the roof and Valjean saw the beauty of the sea of clouds.  
  
Valjean: This is an incredible sight.  
  
Angel: It gets even better (points to a large golden telescope that's been placed on the roof, pointing downwards)  
  
Valjean: What is this for?  
  
Angel: To look down on Earth.  
  
Valjean soon grew with excitement.  
  
Valjean: You mean I can see how the world has changed during these many centuries?  
  
The Angel nodded.  
  
Valjean quickly looked through the telescope and looked at the advancements of man.  
  
Angel: Be careful Valjean you may not like what you see.  
  
Valjean: Hey what's that?  
  
Angel: (sighs) Oh great he already found it.  
  
Valjean: It looks a like a theater.  
  
Angel: Yes it's on a street called Broadway, it's in New York City the place I mentioned earlier.  
  
Valjean: It sure is bright, the place has many candles.  
  
Angel: They call them lightbulbs, it runs on electricity.  
  
Valjean: They're starting to flicker.  
  
Angel: That means the show is starting. I'll just make some adjustments so you can see through the building.  
  
With a flip of a switch the entire building's structure became transparent and Valjean was able to see inside. As the show plays Valjean feels a bit of nostalgia, it all seemed too familiar to him. But he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Then like a bullet he realized the horrors of the reality. He fell back and started to shake feeling a fear like no other.  
  
Valjean: It can't be true . . .  
  
Valjean has had the worse fate any man could have . . .  
  
Valjean: It just can't be!  
  
His life had been made into a musical. 


	2. Valjean Copes

We find Valjean sitting in the fountain, being peed on by the peeing angel statue (those things are just disgusting, they should be banned). He was thinking deeply, questioning God's judgment of allowing such an inhumane thing to happen. It was something no man should go through, to hear an impostor singing such songs as "Who am I?", why wouldn't Valjean not know who he was? These and more questions and more circled his mind and just slapped the hell out of his lobes. The Angel then came to give a few comforting words  
  
Angel: Valjean you're kind of overreacting about this whole mess. A lot of people have their life story turned into musicals.  
  
Valjean just looked away and looked down on at the water/angel piss.  
  
Angel: It's not all that bad, they make musicals about anything. About guys who like dolls, young folks that can't pay the rent, hairspray, urine filled towns, plants and transvestites that are from outer space, and cats that sing.  
  
Valjean grew a look of disgust but quickly turned into a look of realization.  
  
Valjean: I got it! (Valjean quickly stands up) I'll just return to Earth and haunt the theater! I'll put on dark clothes, a black cape, and a mask and scare them out so they'll no longer play that musical!  
  
Angel: They made a musical about that too.  
  
Valjean: Curses! (he staggers out of the fountain and to a nearby wall where he sobs) Why God? Why did you allow this to happen? I have redeemed myself for those 19 years and I'm repaid like this?  
  
Valjean quickly hurries out of the palace. Confused and in a daze he runs to the only place he can find comfort in, Cosset's castle on a cloud. He pushes the front doors open and wanders into a room of toys. He looks around and spots a woman, his first thought was that it might be Cosset but he takes a closer look to find that it was a different woman. She was sitting down on a giant jack-in-the-box looking a picture of a man who Valjean assumes to be her husband.  
  
Valjean: Excuse me miss.  
  
She turns to look at him.  
  
Woman: Oh halo señor, I was only here to get some thinking done. I shall leave if you want.  
  
Valjean: Oh no miss . . . uh  
  
Woman: My name is Eva Peron but you can just call me Evita.  
  
Valjean: Evita is a very beautiful name.  
  
Evita Gracias señor, my name seems to be the only thing that helps me remember Argentina. That and this picture of my husband. (she glances at it once more) Things have been hard without him and have been harder since I heard that my life story had been made into a musical.  
  
Valjean: (looking surprised) Your life has been made in a musical too?  
  
Evita: What do you mean "too"? Don't tell me it has happened to you too señor?  
  
Valjean: Yes, sadly it has. And don't call me señor, the name is Valjean.  
  
Evita: Well Valjean, I'm sorry it had happened to you. I know it's hard but it does get better, the songs aren't all that bad when you think about it. They're actually quite catchy, I get to sing to the people of Argentina in a moving song called "Don't Cry for Me Argentina".  
  
Valjean: You hate it don't you?  
  
Evita: (tears flood her eyes) Sí señor! (she puts the picture of her husband to her face hiding her tears)  
  
Valjean: Madame Evita, please don't cry. I'd hate to see something like this tear a woman such as yourself apart.  
  
Evita: (starts singing) Don't cry for me señor Valjean, for I will never leave you. (stops suddenly and cries harder) Oh God it's stuck in my head!  
  
While Valjean tries harder to comfort the poor Evita the sound of the front doors closing echoed the room. They both looked toward a man, a man who's familiar to them both. They both go into a blank stare, staring at this figure. They fall to their knees and bow down to him, they look back up making sure it is indeed him.  
  
Valjean: I don't believe it!  
  
Evita: Is it really?  
  
Both: Jesus!  
  
Jesus: Yes it is I children. I came here to bring comfort and assurance to this horrible event which had occurred to you two.  
  
Valjean: Will things get better Jesus?  
  
Jesus: I can assure that they will for I too have had this horrible fate.  
  
Evita: You Jesus, our savior?  
  
Jesus: Yes it has happened to me as well. They called it Jesus Christ Superstar, I personally liked how I was portrayed in Ben-Hur, The Greatest Story Ever Told, and South Park. But me singing in Jerusalem? I mean come on.  
  
Evita: We understand you perfectly Jesus. You're saying we should learn to live with reality and just handle this one day at a time.  
  
Jesus: No I'm saying we're gonna have us a hanging!  
  
Evita and Valjean gave a shocked look.  
  
Valjean: Jesus what are you saying?  
  
Jesus: Andrew Lloyd Webber is going down!  
  
(we do not support hanging Andrew Lloyd Webber or any other views that may be expressed in this story. I loved Phantom of the Opera by the way Mr. Webber, send me money!)  
  
Valjean: Jesus get a hold of yourself!  
  
Jesus: (Jesus coming out of his furry) Oh I'm sorry my son, it has been very hard to cope with all of this. We must hurry then!  
  
Valjean: Hurry where?  
  
Jesus: To group therapy for musical-itus.  
  
Evita: They have group therapy for our problem?  
  
Jesus: Of course they have group therapy for everything. Now let us go!  
  
They both followed Jesus outside back to the golden palace. What will this therapy help accomplish? Will this lame plot ever end? Find out next chapter! 


End file.
